Sitting here this morning overwhelmed by some of the things I have been facing lately. The most current issue started a little over 6 months ago – I got Psoriasis for the first time ever in my life. It started out as a small patch on my arm and has gotten worse over time, most likely due to stress, which is a huge trigger. Its like my body had a reaction and it did not just show up in one or two main spots but is scattered over different parts of my body – face, legs, arms, head, torso etc… there is not really any part of my body that has not been affected by it.

The struggle is both internal and external – dealing with the itchy and painful symptoms at times is hard but also the fact that it shows if I wear shorts or short sleeved shirts. I initially refused to wear anything in public or at work that would show the Psoriasis but soon decided that I was unwilling to let it control me in that way. I decided that Psoriasis would not have me but I would determine my response to it. This is not easy  – there are days that feel overwhelmed with wondering what people are thinking when they see me and they wonder what it is I have. Especially when you go to the pool and it really shows and you wonder if people are afraid to have you in the water with them because they do not know what you have and could be wondering if it is something they could catch.

Then there is the fact that every person has a cure for you and so every conversation that you have with someone about it revolves around what they think I should do to see it go away. So I constantly feel like a science experiment, testing out all the possible cures and creams and supplements and foods and exercise and sun bathing and and and, blah blah blah …………. Please do not get me wrong, I am very thankful for people and their ideas and I am certainly open to input because who knows, it might be that their idea is THE CURE for me. The difficulty is in learning to LIVE in the midst of living with something that you feel like you have no control over. Going from being able to get ready for my day in 20-30 minutes to needing more than hour so that I can treat the Psoriasis so that I am able to function with as little discomfort as possible.

So besides being an ongoing science experiment now I am a dark complected white woman (due to the sun treatment recommended by dermatologist)  with red patches all over her chubby little body – LOL!! – which brings me to the other ongoing struggle in my life – my weight. This journey has been a 30 year plus journey. Why is it that the issues that are my hardest ones also have to be external for all to see and pass judgement on. Yes, judgement – it happens and we all know it. If you see someone overweight you automatically assume that this person must be so unhealthy and lazy and what must they be doing or not doing that is keeping them fat! Well let me tell you that it is not that cut and dry – take it from someone who is learning that this life is a journey and things that matter take time and things are NOT always what they appear to be. I know that, yes, there are things in my life I have overcome and continue to overcome that have not been the healthiest of things but those same things do not always affect every person the same way. I have known “skinny, healthy” people who eat horrible, never exercise and yet seem to be the picture of health just because they have a skinny body. At the same time I am active on a regular basis, eating good foods, taking supplements, drinking my water and then I just look at a doughnut and gain 5 pounds. What the heck?!?@? THE STRUGGLE IS REAL, PEOPLE!!!!

My conclusion is this – I am learning to love ME in spite of what is on my skin or the shape of my body. I do like who I am and I love my life in spite of the struggles that I am having. I am learning that what I see on the outward is not always what it appears to be – people need our understanding not our judgements. They need us to take the time to listen to their story and not be quick to assume things that may not be true.

I am also growing in the reality that I CAN have HOPE even when things that I am facing, at times feel hopeless. My continuing realization is that having Jesus present in my everyday is what gets me through – knowing that He faced worse than I am facing and He overcame. He kept His focus on His purpose and was able to endure the Cross for me. So I am working on keeping my focus on my God given purpose so that the struggle does not control me but becomes fuel for my journey forward. The other thing is FAITH, knowing that He is a healing God and has a way for me to experience this healing. One of our pastors spoke a message about his testimony of seeing God heal him from prostate cancer – it was a doctor and surgery that God used to bring healing – he said “surgery is not a second class miracle” – God has gifted men and women with wisdom to help us. Use every tool available to us to pursue healing and health. So we look to Him for his wisdom and insight and leading. Sometimes healing comes in an instant miracle and other times it is a process and involves other things available to us. So I journey forward seeking His help and direction. Healing will come!

Last of all I am in pursuit to continually live in His gift of Peace and Joy in the midst of the struggle – it is possible but takes focus on the things that matter and giving over to Him the things that I cannot control or change today. Do not worry about anything but Pray about EVERYTHING and the PEACE of GOD will come.

Whatever the struggle is – we can and will overcome!!!!!!!

(A word of encouragement – I am 35 pounds less that I was 10 years ago – no overnight success but a continued step by step forward and sometimes 3 steps back and one forward – it literally has taken me 10 years to lose 35 pounds – but that story is for another day).